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03 May 2010

...A Thousand Words

I'm shy.
Sort of.
Not really.
Okay, it's like this. It's my face. I have zero control over what appears on it. Every stray thought and emotion starts in my eyes and makes its way over my lips and cheeks (complete with wait for it...a visible blush. Lovely!) and into my eyebrows.There are few people who like playing their cards close to the chest more than I. There are even fewer who are as spectacularly bad at it as I am.

Want to know what Maya *really* thinks? Ask her a question and then watch her face.

Perhaps, there is some lingering tribal suspicion regarding little soul-sucking boxes, perhaps not. At any rate, the notion of my naked soul, preserved in the moment for whomever cares to see; sets off reflexive butterflies in my gut. The idea of seeing revealed and preserved some stray thought not covered by my personal Freedom of Information Act freaks me out. So when "smile pretty for the camera" time comes around; what would I do? Go blank and paste on a smile.

This is crazy. I know it's crazy. None of us can expect to move through the world completely invulnerable. Our vulnerability is what elicits the best of human emotion in others; compassion, empathy, generosity, protectiveness, love.

Still, in my younger days, my primary goal was self-containment. This woman was an island. Looking back, I realize few people were more ill-equipped for that role than I. At my core, I feel deeply connected to humanity, it is in my nature to love deeply and forgive freely.I'm a sap. Such people are rarely invulnerable. Why was I so afraid for others to catch a glimpse of that girl?

Nowadays I'm better. But still, If you want a great picture of me, don't let me see you comin'.